By Paula McLaren BA (Hons) Early Years Development & Learning •
Updated: 09/21/22 •
Tantrums in 3 year olds can be very stressful for parents…
How does a child manage to produce such a loud continuous scream?!
Surely tantrums shouldn’t be happening at this age?
But some kids just LOVE to kick, wail and cry! (Right in the middle of a shopping aisle too…)
So why do tantrums in 3 year olds happen and how can we try and stop these 3 year old tantrums from happening again?
What Is A Tantrum?
A tantrum is an eruption of emotion often born out of frustration or anger.
They can result in your 3 year old kicking, screaming, hitting or biting to let out their frustrations and try to get what they want.
They may also throw things and hold their breath for extended periods of time in protest.
Are Tantrums In 3 Year Olds Normal?
Yes, tantrums in 3 year olds are completely normal.
Children of this age are bursting with big emotions and an ever-increasing desire for independence.
Their frustration and inability to communicate what they want, how to express themselves and how to control their emotions will often result in 3 year old tantrums.
Why Is My 3 Year Old Suddenly Having Tantrums?
There are lots of triggers for tantrums in 3 year olds. If your little one is suddenly having tantrums check to see if they are feeling any of the following:
1. They are tired. 3 year olds will often throw tantrums if they get overtired. It is very easy for this to happen especially if they have started nursery school or are fighting their afternoon rest time.
2. They are hungry. It is important that your 3 year old gets three regular meals a day supplemented by healthy snacks if necessary to avoid them becoming hangry.
3. They are frustrated. If your 3 year old is not developing appropriate self-regulating skills or does not have adequate language skills to express what they want, they may become aggressive and frustrated leading to a full-blown tantrum.
4. They are trying to cope with a new big event. Many 3 year olds will struggle with a big life event such as the arrival of a new sibling, moving house, starting nursery school or moving from a cot to a bed. Any of these events can trigger an increase in tantrums as they navigate new emotions and situations.
TOP TIP: Your approach to tantrums should be both about teaching your child preventative self-regulation skills as well as understanding how to stop them from happening.
How To Handle Tantrums In 3 Year Olds
Most tantrums in 3 year olds are a result of frustration and the desire for independence but the lack of ability to self-regulate these emotions or communicate their wants and desires adequately or appropriately will have a big impact too.
1. Stay calm no matter what. This is the hardest part of handling tantrums in 3 year olds. But taking a deep breath and staying calm is key to preventing a tantrum from escalating.
2. Acknowledge their frustration and anger. Tantrums usually occur when your little one feels ignored, unheard or misunderstood. So acknowledge their anger or frustration with minimal words or some helpful emotion flashcards.
3. Talk in a slow low voice or not at all. Use as few words as possible. 3 year olds are looking for you to lose your temper and give them a reaction. Sometimes it is best not to say anything until the tantrum has passed.
4. Move your child to a safe place, if possible. If you can, move to a safe place where your child cannot hurt themselves, you or anyone and anything else.
5. Remove the audience, if possible. It can feel very embarrassing to have your child throw a tantrum in public so if you can, remove them from an audience. This allows you to concentrate on them without worrying about what others are thinking and very often, without people around your little one’s tantrum will lose momentum.
6. Wait it out and chat about their feelings afterwards. You cannot force a tantrum to come to an end. Nor can you expect your toddler to listen to you in the middle of a tantrum. Therefore, wait it out and sit down and have a chat about what happened afterwards. Talk about why it happened and help your 3 year old understand that there are more acceptable ways to express their feelings next time.
7. Don’t give in or negotiate. And I mean NEVER give in to a tantrum. Even if part way through you feel you may have denied them something that they could have had or done…Once you have said ‘no’ you must see it through. If you give in to a tantrum you reinforce that this behaviour gets results.
8. Do not leave them alone. While you may be tempted to walk away… do not leave your tantrum throwing 3 year old alone.
9. Never punish a tantrum. Punishing a tantrum will not stop them from happening again. Instead, talk about the incident afterwards and how better to handle extreme emotions in the future.
How To Prevent Tantrums In 3 Year Olds From Happening
Prevention is always better than reaction.
And having some tricks up your sleeve to prevent tantrums in 3 year olds from happening in the first place is hugely beneficial for the whole family.
1. Create a calm-down corner. Having a safe space where your 3 year old can go when they feel things are getting too much can be hugely beneficial to help them reset their emotions. A canvas tent, cushions and a few cuddly toys is great place to start.
All children love a little house and a teepee is a versatile set up that you can use both indoors and out. This is an item tha will grow with your child's imagination and provide hours of fun for you and them. The perfect setting for nursery tea parties and a cosy snuggle spot for hanging out and reading together or alone.
2. Practice teddy bear breathing. This is a fun way to get your little one to practice deep breathing. Balance a teddy bear on their tummy and give it a ride with the rising and falling of your child’s breath. It is a great idea to make this part of the bedtime routine when they are lying down in bed.
3. Utilise emotional development toys, books and flashcards. These are excellent ways to get your little one to talk about their emotions in a healthy way. They will give you an insight into how your child is feeling and will give them the essential verbal tools to express themselves in a healthy way.
What is it? This book contains 8 different plush toys each displaying a different emotion - Anger, Anxiety, Peaceful, Sadness, Happiness, Love, Confidence and Tangled (Scribble) - to help children identify and process their emotions.
Why do I like it? This is a very helpful tool to teach children about emotions and how to handle them. Its fun plush toys make learning about emotions manageable and approachable. The Little SPOT of Emotion book is also ideal for children with social-emotional needs.
4. Lead by example by modelling good listening. Leading by example and listening to your child first will go a long way in avoiding unnecessary tantrums in 3 year olds.
5. Always remain empathetic to their emotions. Your child needs to know that what they are feeling is not bad but perfectly normal and that we all struggle with strong feelings. Encouraging and helping your 3 year old process these emotions is what is most important and they will need your constant patience, understanding and support as they learn how to handle strong emotions.
6. Praise your child when they manage their emotions properly. When your child successfully processes or navigates a situation that could have resulted in a tantrum ensure that you give them plenty of praise and encouragement. Reinforcing a good outcome will definitely help to reduce tantrums moving forward.
7. Maintain a happy and positive family atmosphere. 3 year olds are very sensitive to their environment and the happier and calmer their surroundings are… the fewer tantrums they will have.
8. Ensure your child has a healthy age-appropriate sleep schedule and regular bedtime routine. Sleep and emotional behaviour go hand-in-hand. Help your child to maintain a consistent sleep schedule and bedtime to limit the possibility of overtiredness causing any tantrums.
9. Give your child the words to express their feelings. Very often tantrums are a result of your child’s inability to vocalise how they are feeling. Make sure there are plenty of opportunities for your 3 year old to talk about their emotions and give them the words to express themselves.
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What Is The Difference Between A Tantrum And A Meltdown?
The main difference between tantrums in 3 year olds and meltdowns is that:
- A tantrum is a result of frustration or anger,
- And a meltdown is a result of emotional or sensory overload.
Therefore, during a tantrum, your child will still have some element of control over their behaviour and the tantrum will usually end once they have got what they want.
But with an emotional meltdown, your child will struggle to calm down and will only do so once they have been removed from the situation that caused the meltdown in the first place.
However, some tantrums can turn into meltdowns if they go on for a long time…
Characteristics Of A Tantrum:
- Tantrums in 3 year olds are goal-driven
- Your child will remain partially verbal and communicative
- They are a normal reaction to feeling frustrated, angry or not getting their own way
- They are driven by a desire for attention or a result of not being able to fully communicate what your child wants
- They remain under the child’s control
- Children will watch to see what your reaction is
- Children will yell but be able to negotiate
- They will stop once your child’s goal has been achieved
- Your child can recover quickly once the tantrum is over
Characteristics Of A Meltdown:
- Meltdowns are not goal-driven
- Children are less verbal and communicative
- Meltdowns are an instinctive reaction to feeling overwhelmed or being unable to handle strong emotions such as fear, anxiety or sensory overload
- They are out of a child’s control or ability to reason
- They are usually long-lasting
- Meltdowns are often something children will not grow out of
- Children will not be able to process what is going on around them
- Children will not be able to negotiate with you
- They will struggle to calm down
- Children will often become withdrawn once a meltdown has ended
TOP TIP: If you suspect that your 3 year old is experiencing meltdowns instead of tantrums, click here to get specific advice on how to handle emotional meltdowns in young children.
When To Seek Help For 3 Year Old Tantrums
In some cases, tantrums in 3 year olds can be an indication of an underlying condition linked to the child not being able to process emotions effectively.
If you notice any of the following signs, then I would advise having a chat with a medical professional to see if an emotional assessment would be useful:
- Tantrums are happening more often, are getting worse and last longer.
- If your child struggles to calm down after an outburst
- Your child tries to hurt himself or others.
- Your child always opposes you, argues a lot and hardly ever cooperates with you.
Frequently Asked Questions About Tantrums In 3 Year Olds
Need more advice about tantrums in 3 year olds? Get the answers to the most common questions here:
How Long Do Tantrums In 3 Year Olds Last?
A 3 year old tantrum can last anywhere from a few to 15 minutes.
If your little one is consistently having tantrums that last longer than this you should consult a medical practitioner to see if an emotional assessment would be appropriate.
How Do You Discipline A 3 Year Old Who Doesn’t Listen?
I am not a fan of using the word discipline when dealing with young children.
I prefer to use guidance.
Young children need to learn the art of listening.
You cannot expect them to listen without teaching them how.
The best place to start is to lead by example and listen to your children first.
Only once you have put these strategies for learning how to listen and have given your little one the best opportunities to listen can you look at the consequences of not listening.
REMEMBER: Once you lay down a consequence for not listening, it is important that you always follow through.
Should You Ignore A Child Having A Tantrum?
Yes and no.
You should not try and engage in conversation while your 3 year old is having a tantrum.
And apart from ensuring your child is safe you should do little else until the tantrum has passed.
But staying close by is also important as your 3 year old is likely to gravitate towards you and look for comfort once the storm has passed.
TOP TIP: Sit down on the floor nearby and read a magazine or check your messages on your phone while your little one is having a tantrum (while keeping an eye on what they are doing, of course). This gives a clear message that you are totally unbothered by what they are doing and can often bring a tantrum to an end very quickly.
Do 3 Year Old Have Tantrums On Purpose?
Most 3 year old do not have tantrums on purpose.
By 3 years of age, your toddler will know the difference between right and wrong but will still struggle to handle strong emotions at times.
Dealing with our emotions is a lifelong lesson.
Your 3 year old is at the start of this journey.
Sometimes they will get it right and sometimes they will not.
However, if you give in to tantrums and your 3 year old learns that they work… they may well see that as their default way to get what they want and then the tantrum-like behaviour will become a habit.
Further Reading
- Tantrums In 2 Year Olds
- Tantrums In 3 Year Olds
- Tantrums In 4 Year Olds
- Tantrums In 5 Year Olds
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